What am I suposed to do about my mother in law?

My mother in law did some very hurtful things to me when I was 3 months pregnant. When I had the baby she walked into my hospital room with flowers and talking like we were old pals. I don't let her watch my son because I can not trust her. She begs us to let her watch him. He is 7 months old now. I feel that she owes me an apology, should I let her watch my son if she hasn't told me she is sorry for the hurtful things she said about me and did to me? I think she should own up to what she did and admit that she was wrong...she tried to get my husband to cheat on me, among other things. How am I ever suposed to trust her again if she doesn't admit that she was wrong? How do I know that she will not try to do the same thing again? My husband agrees with me but he is very passive and refuses to say anything to her about it, he thinks I should let her watch my son because watching him has nothing to do with what went on between us. Am I over doing it?

What am I suposed to do about my mother in law?
Clearly she isn't "all there" if she did those things. I imagine your relationship with your husband and baby is the most important to you. So you should do what mothers have had to do for years...pretend it never happened, give her another chance. You will never be good enough (in her eyes) for her son. And, as long as you don't feel like she would do anything wrong or treat your kid badly, let her have time with him....in the end you'll have another baby sitter when you need a girls night out or time with your husband.


Also, sometimes when you kill someone with kindness, they change....not always, but sometimes. Something very similar happened to me, and I decided to just pretend it never happened and my life got much easier and happier, and nothing like it ever happened again. Just think of her like a grandma with Alzheimer's...she can't help it, that's just the way she is. And, the most important thing is....never let someone see that they are getting to you...don't give her the pleasure of getting a reaction out of you, and she will stop....hopefully. Be the bigger person, it will actually feel better than being bitter. Good luck! I know its a hard position to be in.
Reply:Get over it, for your son's sake. Whatever your relationship may be with this woman, she is the child's grandmother. That makes her a powerful protector of him. As a parent, you want to nurture every opportunity that you can to build a circle of strong protectors and encouragers and nurturers on your son's side. Why would you ever consider severely limiting or eliminating such a great advantage from your child's life? The more truly involved and interested adults that you can encourage to be in your child's life, the better. It's time to set aside your own petty issues with this woman and focus on what is best for your child. Besides, she can take you to court anytime she wants to and legally get liberal visitation rights and have your child stay with her on weekends and such if you persist at using your baby to "punish" her.
Reply:Hire a hit, take her down. Just kidding. I dont know thats a tough one. I would have a hard time with it too.
Reply:It's very strange but you are doing something that I just can't do .. you have the special ability to talk and write on present tense thinking on past tense..


and it's very difficult to me to do that..


it's like an impossible thing to me...


like trying not get fall a dish


over my nose..


with my dinner of course..
Reply:you have already made up your mind your do not want her watching your son ...but you need a break so your thinking of giving in so you can have a break








but i feel that would be wrong you know you can not trust her she has proven if she had her way you would not be a part of her sons life you have to trust your feelings on this





as far as your husband not ALLOWING you to let your parents watch him your parent have done nothing wrong and i feel the word "allow" you to do anything is wrong you are partners he does not own you or your son and should not be telling yo what to do he needs to grow a back bone and pick a side on this
Reply:It is hard to trust someone once that trust is broken but perhaps you could sit down and have a talk with your mother in law(if you havent already) and explain why you feel the way you do. Tell her how hurtful she has been and that it will be awhile before you trust her completely.





If you feel you can trust her to responsibly care for your son, try it once or twice and see how things go. Moms need a break so they dont go nutso. I have 2 kids and would never have made it if I didnt have some alone time. You will feel much better if you have some time to yourself. The first time or two you let her watch him may be hard. But only do it for an hour or two so it wont drive you crazy.





If she is as conniving as you say she is, you have a right to limit the amount of time she spends alone with your child. Good luck to you and hopefully you will be able to work it out so that both grandparents will be able to spend time with your baby and you will be able to have some time to relax.
Reply:It sounds like she does owe you an apology. But she might not realize it, or she might be too ashamed to bring up the subject. Either way, you and your husband need to tell her that you felt hurt by the things that she did, and explain that this is why you do not trust her to watch your son (I mean, obviously, she may be a bad influence). Explain that your trust has been broken, and it will take time to heal, if she does regret the things she did. Then wait to see if she is (genuinely) sorry.
Reply:You have 3 choices:





Let it go and move on. Pretend it didnt bother you put on a smile anyway.





or





Sit down with her and tell her exactly how she made you feel and how you hope your relationship could be.





Chances are she was protecting her "baby" and he stayed with you and so you "won" and arent going anywhere. Good for you.
Reply:Hire a sitter and go out with friends for lunch, and stop using this baby as a pawn.The baby has nothing to do with the disagreement between you and her.The baby is the one taking the brunt end not having contact with either Grandparents.
Reply:At some point you need to forgive her even if she doesn't appologize. If you have reason to distrust her with the care of your son, don't leave her alone with the boy.





Holding on to this hate is only hurting you, try and forgive her. If you need the appology first, confront her. You'll be happier and hopefully you can move on. This is going to be someone in your life for a really long time. Who knows, maybe you'll get a babysitter out of her in the end.
Reply:Get your apology. Even if YOU have to ask for it.


Like you said, she will be around for a long time, and WILL walk all over you if she thinks she will get away with it. You do need a break, and as long as you dont think she will hurt your son, let her watch him for short periods of time to start, like an hour and build up to more. You need to tell your husband to grow some balls... and train him to be responsible with your son on his own, its the 21st century for gods sake.
Reply:hi.i m pregnant now too.the same thing has happened me to.but i don't think because of it i will not show my baby to my mother in law.but if you don't want to show it quite normal.it is your personal chose.but will your husband.be agree with you.because it is not only your baby.your husband also can make a decision for your baby as the baby can't do it himself.if he is agree with you you can take a babysitter to sit with your baby at least 2 hours a day.and you t can enjoy this time:)
Reply:Trust your instincts. If she tried to turn your hubby against you, who's to say she won't try to undermine your authority with your son, especially as he gets older? I wouldn't let my in-laws watch my kids if they were the last people on earth! Not because of anything they have done, but simply because their ideas of what is okay and not okay are polar opposite from mine. So whatever your reasons, if you are not comfortable leaving your son with ANYONE for ANY reason, DON'T--and don't ever feel like you have to apologize or explain. Your job is to protect and nurture your son and do what is best for HIM, so don't compromise your values or instincts to save someone else's feelings. Good luck!
Reply:I think that you do deserve some kind of an apology. Also I would tell my husbend that my parents are watching the kid weather he likes it or not. I would tell him that you take care of the baby and if he doesn't like it then he needs to talk to his mother. Also if the mother in law brings up the fact that you don't let her watch him then you need to step up and say why. It may push things along. I don't think that you should let her watch him either though she sounds imature herself but stand up for yourself. Sounds like your husbend needs to be a man as well as stand up for you. Thats what a man should do if he loved his wife.
Reply:Think seriously about this... Will the apology really affect the way you see her as a person? I mean "I'm Sorry" pales in comparison to being there for you since the incident. I understand you're hurt and angry, but is keeping her from watching the child really the best way to handle things? She's trying to make amends at least by being there now. She may not ever say she is sorry but really the words I'm sorry mean nothing. Especially if said just to get what you really want. Look at it this way. Had your husband gone to another woman and then just said I'm sorry you probably still couldn't forgive his frivolous act and would probably never accept his apology. Just let things go and move on. Your son deserves to be with his grandma one on one. Hope you can find it in your heart to let this one go.
Reply:If your husband agrees with you and still does not want to say anything, then you have the right to tell her yourself. be honest and sincere express to her your concerns and what is upsetting you. Let her know why it is you don't trust her, and yes you do have the right to feel this way i don't think you are overdoing it. But because this is your son and her grandchild this is the best opportunity to make things better, (your family) children bring so many changes into our lives and who knows what changes your son will bring into your life, including your mother in law.





Be completely honest and be respectful.
Reply:It is your baby. You choose who will watch him! My mother in law did many horrible things to me and said horrible things to me about my husband. She is an evil woman, but, I do let her watch the kids once in a while. Only if my father in law is there. He is an awesome guy and will never hurt anyone. I trust him, not her. I don't tell her that I don't trust her, I just make excuses if she wants to do things that I don't approve of....ie waterparks!





You decide when you feel comfortable. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. Even your husband. Simply say that you don't mind her visiting whenever she wants, but you arent ready to let her watch your baby!



White Teeth